Life can a bit messy sometimes and everyone has a different way of getting themselves back on track. While some people choose to travel, some choose to read, people like me, make things messier in the urge to make them normal way too early. Tonight I sit and write this down just to remind all of you out there that no matter what, you are going to be okay sooner or later and when you are, you will be amazed at how everything that happened is made you nothing but a better person…
4 hooks- ups, 1 heartbreak, 15,000 spent on clothes and accessories, a job I got fired from and almost a drunk, near death experience later, I have finally been able to get hold of myself and let go of all the broken pieces I had been clinging on to.
This is my story post break up which as messy as it seems has taught me the simplest lessons in life.
1 week post my breakup, I found myself for the first time in a while, looking straight into the guy’s eyes and giving hint of a smile.
2 weeks post my breakup, I found myself sexting many men simultaneously. Sending lustful pictures. Shopping for clothes I don’t need.
3 weeks post my break up, I found myself, going out and kissing random strangers and hooking up with them. Drinking, dancing, late nights, I had done it all.
4 weeks post my break up, I ate half kg of cake thrice a week. Ice cream every day and I started dressing up in the most untidy manner ever.
My mood swings were like the Columbus ride and I also quit my job somewhere in those 4 weeks.
All said and done, I was, to everyone, just trying things out, whereas for real, I was looking for excuses to be a mess based on this epic validation that “I am going through a break up.”
I believe, I was looking for reasons that would always remind me that I had the most beautiful relationship there could be and slowly, like a plant dies of thirst, it dried.
I was trying to hang on to whatever was left of the now ugly looking plant because that was the ‘something’ I had left of my relationship and probably some of the best moments of my life, including many firsts came from it.
So here’s the thing about getting really involved with someone. Each day of your life incorporates them into your routine and later, when they’re better off, everything has a story of you both together and it is tiring to visit those stories each day, which is why you look for reasons to escape, reasons to change but all of that is also reminding you of your moments with them because you are trying too hard to get over your late relationship.
“Break up after a while is not about missing the person you were with.
It is missing the way you were with that person.”
Well, one more thing that belonged to us, (my ex-boyfriend and I) still was with me. His t-shirt. I Lived in that t-shirt while we were dating. Literally. Post break up it would be difficult to even look at it. I’d quickly move my eyes to something else if I saw that t-shirt. Once, I put it at the back of the closet after which I did not see it for days and I think, a few nights before the beginning of the 4th week, when I had hooked up with some guy I don’t even remember the name of, I came home took it out, wore it and slept. That was the most peaceful sleep I had had in a while. After that day I wore it every single day and that is when I started crying buckets and eating desserts for comfort.
Grieve had taken over me and I was glad that I was able to cry for no reason at all sometimes because it reminded me that I’m still a human. Trust me, when 4 different men have been all over you and left in the next few hours, you don’t feel very good about life however much you must have been into the moment…
The next I recall, was a Sunday morning when I woke up unusually early and stared at the ceiling fan for the next half an hour post which, I tidied my bed, took a warm relaxing bath, made some coffee and sat next to a few plants I had managed to grow in my apartment. I witnessed the sunrise and let time heal me that morning.
A flock of birds sat on the networking wires, the wind played with my hair, cooker whistles went on and off on different floors, I saw people rushing to work, the trees looked all bright and nice and a ray of sunlight made its way past me into my room leaving some warmth on my skin. EVERYTHING WAS LIT AGAIN. I sighed!
Magic as it is said to be, is not just a hand trick or mind games.
It is life and letting it live you as you live it.
I started cleaning my room which obviously was a mess. I took off his t-shirt, sorry, our t-shirt and washed it myself, taking care that each memory on it wears off with the dirt. I deleted our conversations, our pictures, our emails and every other material thing there was of us. I had a diary which had little mentions of him in poetry, prose or just scribbling which that day, I gave up as well.
Later that day, I managed to get all the pending things done. I bought some more plants for my apartment, put some rhythm and blues on, read a book, cooked dinner and watched a movie with my sister.
I was in all the sense of the word ‘okay’, okay that day. I had finally begun the climb.
That Sunday, I had managed to let go of a part of me, I wasn’t erasing it, mind you! I was simply willing to let it settle somewhere in me and revisit it on days I should because that is what living is for, don’t you think? To collect memories for days on which you can sit and ponder life.
I don’t know what derives of this write up but what I am certain of is this,
You’re a water body and some days you have to give yourself time to settle the dust in you. Time is the best thing that has happened to mankind and one must trust time for everything.
Give everything sometime to seep in, flow out or settle. Also cultivate some kind of a hobby which demands you to take time off the hustle once in a while. Trust me, it’ll keep you sane more than anything else.
“I know it is difficult to get past situations that demand you to give yourself up and begin again but, if you have to begin new, means the caterpillar has now become a butterfly.”